I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
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Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Passwords are more important than ever.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.