I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
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*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Support your local cemetery
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!