[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
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Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Geez man, take it easy.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂