Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
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Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Labreador
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.