@AndyAsAdjective: Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
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@KeithAshers: If any ladies out there need jars opened or items from a high shelf, HomeDepot sells rubber grips & ladders. -match.com bio
@BlackJerms: At Twitter HQ J: Users haven't complained in a while, what's going on? Devs: Oh, we've got just the thing *releases update
@radtoria: amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i'm like "yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?"
@TheDailySchmuck: [Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant] Cop: You're under arrest. Me: What's the charge? [Lowers sunglasses] Cop: a salt and buttery.