Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
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[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*