Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
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Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”