MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
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The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Just grow your own
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit