I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
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2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it