[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
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PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons