[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
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Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.