[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
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if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.