[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
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STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.