Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
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Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Peace was never an option
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish