Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
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Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Google Pay be like:
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY