Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
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me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My dating profile:
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
same bro
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Guy who likes music
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.