The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
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Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]