the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
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Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?