I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
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Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch