Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
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“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send