@girl_a_whirl: Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
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@dafloydsta: [buying a wood chipper] ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in? SALESMAN: What? ME: What?
@weinerdog4life: I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I'm crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
@amydillon: Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in. "What is this? It tastes like hair," said one ungrateful child.