Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
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TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.