I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.