Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
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Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Thanks to a fan for this one.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
New favorite tiktok
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.