“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
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Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.