“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
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Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
they really do be looking like this
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
ready to be harvested
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.