Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
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I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.