Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
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dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.