MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
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Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
“I FIXED IT!”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles