MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
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A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.