MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
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“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.