MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Get in loser we’re going crying
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.