MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Thank you corporation very cool
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
What about second breakfast?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
cyclists
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.