@TitansHomer: MTV stopped having their "Unplugged" specials because the shitty artists we have now can't play any instruments.
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@WilliamAder: Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
@MatCro: [Starbucks Assassins Inc] CHIEF: Write this down. Target's name is John BARISTA: [writes] Jamie C: Ok. Memorise it B: [eyes shut] Janet
@Kyle_Lippert: [Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE'S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN'T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
@LoveNLunchmeat: Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn't seem to work as well for him.