Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
You Might Also Like
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
“That’s what” – She
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry