– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
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I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
How to make infinite energy.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
🚲+physics = winner
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ