Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
My support group can outdrink your support group.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?