I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.