@jwoodham: Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
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@nbadag: HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy ME: [also whispering] owning a home
@BrettDruck: May he without sin cast the first stone [Everybody picks up rocks] Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin [Everybody puts rocks back down]
@longwall26: If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you'll see them later there is literally no way to warn them