Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
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New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.