Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.