@Go2Slp: Mufasa didn't die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.
- The Lyin' King
@iwearaonesie: *wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
m: Are you sur-
w: You're not going to get my period!
@JoParkerBear: How To Avoid Dating
●You're too young for me.
●I'm too young for you.
●I don't date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
@mikeleffingwell: Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
@moneybreton: Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
@JennyJohnsonHi5: The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don't want anymore children living on our street.