I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
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My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.