@Go2Slp: Mufasa didn't die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.
- The Lyin' King
@imadepoopstoday: Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.
@JanuaryJames: I carry a gun because I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.
@TheCiscoKidder: I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don't want our boogers mixing.
@Stellacopter: If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
@LifeWithAlcohol: family member: what are you doing with your life?
me: it's a surprise