MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Children of the corn 🌽
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.