Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
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A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?