@my_minivan_life: Muffins - for people who don't have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
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@NikiWithIssues: Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer. Me: yea I got arrested once Niece: omg why Me: for going through my aunt's drawers.
@randygdub: trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there's no one left to run GS and they go out of business
@fro_vo: Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster Therapist: go on Me: oh so you're taking her side now