@my_minivan_life: Muffins - for people who don't have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
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@SteveKoehler22: Nike is coming out with a line of Air Brady football shoes. They have a built in suspension feature. You just have to let some air out.
@OfficialMizGin: I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean. It said, “Please refill and return to sender.” Now I wait.
@DelanieFischer: People who don't have a name for their newborn, What the shit did you do for 9 months?
@HomeProbably: Relationship status: My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she's ok now, I was caught.