Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
You Might Also Like
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Did…did a minotaur write this
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*