Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
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When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
The 4 stages of a family vacation
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.