Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
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Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…