Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
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The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006