Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
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The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches