Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
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A French press is when you hug naked
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.