Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
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i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
FRED: right
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business