Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
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DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.