MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
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Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.